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We often talk about self-control as if it were the highest form of maturity. Keep calm and carry on (the British mantra, along with keep a stiff upper lip). Manage your emotions. Push through. Don’t let anyone see you sweat.
There’s value in discipline, of course. But self-control has limits, as behavioral science has taught us again and again. If your strategy is always to suppress what you’re feeling, override your instincts, and repeatedly force yourself through difficult moments, you may look composed on the outside, but you’re going to be exhausting yourself on the inside. And, clearly, that’s not sustainable.
Self-awareness is different, and it requires us to ask a different and arguably better set of questions:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What triggered this reaction?
- Where do I feel it in my body?
- What story am I telling myself that’s prompting all of this…and is it actually true? (For more on this topic, see our most recent issue that covered this in more detail)
- What do I actually need in this moment?
Pausing to consider these questions can change everything, as I was reminded in my recent discussion with Morra Aarons-Mele, the author and podcast host of The Anxious Achiever. I am naturally more of “self-control” person. I’ve always had a lot of discipline. But self-awareness, which I’ve worked over the years to develop, is more powerful, especially in moments of stress or conflict.
The idea is that instead of reacting automatically, you create room to respond intentionally. Instead of snapping at someone, withdrawing, micromanaging, overworking, or spiraling into self-criticism, you work your feelings before they take over, and with time, start to figure out the patterns and what you need to do about them.
This especially matters for leaders. People want their managers to understand themselves well enough to not transfer their stress, insecurity, or anxiety onto the team. Manager emotions are contagious and they can infect a whole team – in a good way or a bad one.
To be clear, self-awareness doesn’t mean indulging your every emotion. It means understanding your emotions well enough such that they don’t quietly take over.
It also creates more compassion. When you recognize your own triggers, limits, and unhelpful patterns, you become better able to see them in others – a key requirement in building emotional intelligence. You become less likely to assume bad intent and more committed to ask better questions. Self-control says, “Hold it together” while self-awareness says, “Understand what’s happening.”
Over time, the second is much more powerful, because the goal isn’t to become a person without stress, anxiety, frustration, or fear. That’s just not realistic. The goal is to become someone who can notice those feelings, learn from them, and still choose the next right action. And that’s why self-awareness beats self-control.
So consider: how do you practice and build self-awareness? What works best for you? We've love to hear what works for you.
JR and the PathWise team
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