Dear Friends,

Several years ago, we shared what mothers whose children have died really wanted for Mother's Day. That newsletter generated one of the highest responses we have ever received from any newsletter. Those responses came from all over the world and included mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends, specialists, medical workers, family members, spiritual advisors, and more.

But you know what really made us smile?

Mothers everywhere received phone calls, text messages, cards, emails, and even gifts from those who had never acknowledged them on Mother's Day, and all because so many of you shared the information with those who weren't sure what to do for mothers and fathers who have lost a child, and so, to be on the safe side, they didn't say or do anything.

In other words, educating those outside the circle of loss about what mothers wanted and needed actually resulted in a lot of meaningful exchanges.

That's what often happens. People (understandably) err on the side of it's better to do nothing than to make the mistake of doing something and upsetting the person even more.

In our society, we are told from the time we are children, “It is not polite to ask." I hear regularly, "I don't want to bother people" or "I don't want people to feel like they have to do something." Yet these parents want anything that feels as if their child is not being forgotten—and that they are not forgotten.

Since no one can read minds, letting others know what you truly need and want means there is that much more chance of getting it. Conversely, if you don‘t tell people, I can guarantee that you most likely won‘t get it, and that leads to feelings of abandonment and the worry that people are forgetting.

There is absolutely nothing

wrong with asking for

what you want and need.

So with the success of that newsletter, we decided to do the same thing for our dads this month—share with you what our dads who have lost a child really want for Father’s Day.

We simply asked a group of these fathers what they wanted. We know how difficult Father's Day can be for these dads.

Here you have what fathers shared about their needs on Father‘s Day. Please forward this to everyone you know who might benefit from what has been shared.

And! If you don‘t know what that special dad wants, please ask him and let him tell you honestly what would be most meaningful to him.

Here is What Our Beloved

Fathers Said They Wanted

for Father's Day

• “I guess what I want on Father's Day is to be reminded of the joy in my life. I don't want to hear about sadness for one day. I would like to avoid watching or hearing the news. I would like to believe that, for one day, I feel peaceful. I want to do fun things with my wife and two daughters. The death of my son will always be a cloud hovering over me, but I hope that the winds for this day will blow in the right direction.”

•  “I want a card from my son who died. I‘d like my wife to pick out a card that she knows my son would have purchased for me on this day.”

• “I would like to sleep in (until at least 7:30 A.M.). I would LOVE to get some sort of sign from my son."

• "A very nice Father’s Day gift would be for my wife to find peace, comfort, and happiness on this day. I wish for ALL fathers who lost a child to have a good day. Last—my hope is NO father will ever go through the pain and suffering of losing a child. That is my wish for ALL dads.”

• “I want my family to be healthy, and I would love to see my wife have a day of peace. I do feel so helpless sometimes when she‘s so sad.”

• “I‘m happy with whatever my family decides to do on Father‘s Day. Honestly, I‘m just glad that the rest of my family is healthy and able to do anything with me at all. Something celebrating life would be nice.”

“I guess what I want ... is

to be reminded

of the joy in my life."

• "I would like hear someone say, 'Hey, thinking about y'all today.' That would be really uplifting."

• “I believe the most important days of our lives are when our children are born. We participate in the miracle of birth, and the pleasure of learning through the years that a special bond exists between a parent and a child like no other. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to see them through childhood, school, marriage, and the gift repeats itself in the birth of grandchildren. However, life being so finite means we sometimes lose them. And we are left with only fond memories.



"So what I wish for Father's Day is that we cherish every day we have with our children, and, if they leave us before we die, that we celebrate those fond memories and not dwell on the moment of their passing. And a thought I would like to pass on to all is: We are never forgotten as long as we are remembered.”

• "I would say the one thing that I would like to share is that we also hurt badly and that, just because we look as if we are doing okay, does not mean we are. Just speaking for myself, I guess I am saying to friends, family, and the world that we hurt just as badly as mothers, but just show it differently.”

• “What I would like for that day, and, for that matter, every day, is to be full of good and happy memories of my family with all of my children together, including my son who died. What that day means to me is an opportunity to especially focus our energies and direct our thoughts toward happy memories with my son.”

• “This year my son would be graduating from high school. So I want to do something that honors him and all that he gave to me as a father. He would want that to be something fun and outdoors.”

• “You know, it was never important to me that I was celebrated on a specific day, but it was important to me that my daughter had the chance to express her feelings and do something she wanted to do to celebrate me. However, since in her enthusiastic, vivacious way, she did that every day, Father‘s Day did not stand out to me as something so unique. And now it‘s no different. I feel I have a relationship with her on an ongoing basis that is independent of what day it is.”

“ ... hear someone say,

'Hey, thinking about y'all today.'"

• “To respond to a question like this is hard. Men are supposed to be the strength of the family and the ones that can hold it all together when, in reality, we hurt just as bad as the moms. I cannot count the number of times that I lost it as soon as I was alone. So for Father's Day, I would like to have a peaceful day outdoors and pass the time doing something fun."

• “We lost our only child. Father‘s Day is especially difficult. I really have no idea what I want, but I know what I don‘t want. What I don‘t want is to do anything that is sad, like going to the cemetery. I want to have fun and enjoy the day.”

• “On Fathers Day, we have always been on vacation, and it is also usually the week before our son‘s birthday. I just want to be with his mom and brothers that day, but I would also like to hear someone say, 'Hey, thinking of y‘all today.‘ That would be really uplifting, and it lets us know others are thinking of him also.”

• “I think what I want most is for my surviving son to honor me on Father‘s Day as I always honored my father. Something simple, quiet. Maybe a picnic or a stroll on the beach followed by lunch somewhere outside. Just time to be together. Now that my father and my son are gone, I think the important thing is to be in the present with those who are here. I‘m more able to talk about my son now. I find myself very cautiously talking about him with my friends and also people who never knew him. I‘ll say some short thing that refers to him sometimes to test how much I can say without becoming overwhelmed with emotion. If I see an opening, then I might go further. It’s progress!”

• “What I want this Father's Day is dinner with the family and for my son who died to visit my wife in a way that she will know he has visited.”

“My Father‘s Day Wish:

I wish I had more memories and fewer regrets.

An encore performance not just a single solo set.

A shoulder to cry on when the tears won't dry.

But most of all I wish I had no reason to cry.”

• “Well, one item I personally would like for Father's Day is a set of golf clubs. I know this sounds kind of trite and impersonal, but there are many reasons I want this particular gift. I have never spent any time or energy learning how to play golf. I have missed out on so many golf outings at church, work, with my barbershop singing friends, and, most importantly, with family. It is such a great way to network and bond with both male and female friends and family."

• "The most important thing I would like for this particular Father's Day is a healthy child. In the past, we lost two babies. The first was very early in the pregnancy, and the second was very difficult because, at about six-and-a-half months, she was stillborn. I will always miss her and celebrate her! So, on a happy note, we are expecting a son. We are praying and hoping that he will be healthy. That would be the greatest present of all!!! Happy Father's Day to all the fathers and dads out there. It's good to be a father, but more important to be a dad!” [And they did and do have a healthy baby! Congratulations!]