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Day 7: TURN ACCUSATIONS INTO QUESTIONS

Language Matters:

Turn accusations, even if you're certain your conclusion is correct, into anopen and sincere question. Without much change in vocabulary, this simple tweak is an effective technique* toward positive conflict resolution.

*What's the technique?

First, identify that what you're saying is an accusation.

Some examples:

• You took the car even though you knew I needed it!
• I know you tried to undermine me and set me up with the boss!
• You always expect me to pay, and you know I can't afford it!
• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I saw how you looked at him!

Then, reorient the accusation into a question:

Step One: Start with the beginning of the sentence. Accusations begin with "You," "You always," or "I know." Instead, start with an open-ended question stem that invites the other person to communicate and participate:

• I wonder...
• I've been thinking about...
• I've got a question...
• Would you help me to understand...

Step Two: Self-evaluate tone, attitude, and motive.

Remove the exclamation point and lower the tone -- channeling calmness and openness. Ask yourself: Am I trying to hurt the other person or am I trying to solve the problem? If you honestly want to hurt the other person, take a break,

re-evaluate, and re-group. Once you're calm, try the next step.

Step Three: Revise your delivery.

Turn the accusation into a question. The sample accusations above become:

• I wonder if you took the car even though you knew I needed it? or I wonder why you took the car? Did you know I needed it?
• I've been thinking...it seemed like you were trying to undermine me with the boss. Were you? or Did you think about how this would affect me with the boss?
• Would you help me to understand...it seems like you expect me to pay...did you know that I can't afford it?
• I've got a question: I saw how you looked at my boyfriend, and I'm wondering...what did that mean?

Remove You, You always, and I know



Unless someone says "You are the most amazing person" (Say this more!) or "I know where some great dessert is" (Yum!) or "You always have the best ideas (Thanks!), work to remove these starts to any communication -- they can drive defensiveness.

It's difficult to change habits, don't be hard on yourself. Establish the intention to try a new way. And, like all journeys, start with taking the first step.

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