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As parents, we're pretty good at spotting trouble before it happens. And when you're parenting an autistic child, you can become especially skilled at anticipating what might be difficult.
The noise. The transitions. The unexpected changes that can turn an ordinary day upside down.
So we plan, prepare, and make adjustments. Sometimes we get so good at clearing obstacles that our kids don't get the chance to figure out how to navigate them.
I know this because I've done it. Plenty.
It started with a dishwasher
Sophie has always had sensory sensitivities, particularly to certain sounds. For a long time, the dishwasher was one of them.
I scheduled running it around whether she was downstairs. If she was in the kitchen or living room, I'd wait. When she went upstairs, I'd turn it on.
Simple enough, right? Problem solved.
Until a friend asked why I was doing all the adjusting. Why not tell Sophie I needed to run the dishwasher and let her decide whether to stay downstairs or head upstairs?
Huh. Good question.
Sophie's sensitivity was real. There was no reason she needed to sit through a sound that was uncomfortable for her. But I'd taken responsibility for the entire situation when she was perfectly capable of choosing what worked for her.
I'd been anticipating her needs for so long that it had become automatic. My friend's question made me wonder how often I was doing something similar without even noticing.
The tricky part of helping
When our kids encounter challenges, our instinct is to help. We want to spare them frustration, disappointment, and all the uncomfortable feelings that come with things not going as planned.
And when your child is autistic, there's often another layer. You've watched them deal with sensory overload, social misunderstandings, exhaustion, and situations that other kids seem to navigate more easily.
Of course you want to make life easier!
But when we remove every obstacle, we may make the moment easier while taking away an opportunity for our child to build confidence and problem-solving skills.
That doesn't mean withholding accommodations or expecting a child to endure overwhelming distress. Those supports matter. I'm talking about finding challenges that stretch our kids a little without leaving them feeling defeated.
And figuring out what that looks like isn't always easy.
Fast-forward to 18
When Sophie turned 18, she announced that she wanted to take over managing her medical care.
Now, I spent more than 30 years working in HR, including extensive experience with employee benefits. I knew the insurance jargon, how the system worked, and how to push when things weren't getting done.
Managing Sophie's care had practically become a full-time job. There were appointments, referrals, insurance calls, paperwork, and endless messages from medical offices.
So when she said she was ready to take it all on, I was skeptical.
My first thought? Oh, honey, you have NO idea what you're signing up for!
Not because I doubted her ability to advocate for herself. She'd done that beautifully in other parts of her life. But I knew what she was getting into.
Sophie gets frustrated when people don't do what they say they'll do. And forms that repeatedly ask for the same information? In her words, they're "useless." Frankly, I can't argue with either complaint.
Unfortunately, dealing with insurance companies often demands patience, persistence, and a willingness to fill out ridiculous amounts of paperwork. I had years of experience navigating that nonsense. She didn't. Yet.
But she wanted to try, so I handed her the reins.
It didn't take long before she asked me to make an appointment here or respond to a medical office there.
And you know what? That was fine.
We didn't need to declare the experiment a failure or return to me doing everything. We adjusted.
Today, Sophie finds providers, makes appointments, and advocates for herself. I still handle some of the administrative gaps, particularly when insurance gets complicated.
It's not a complete handoff. Maybe it never will be. And that's okay.
Independence doesn't mean doing everything yourself. It includes recognizing when you need help and knowing how to ask for it.
What if your child is 2? Or 7? Or 13?
You don't have to wait until your child is 18 to make room for these experiences.
For a toddler, it might mean letting them try to put on their shoes. Maybe you get the shoe started and let them finish, even if it takes a little longer.
For a younger child, it could mean giving them a chance to communicate what they want at a restaurant, whether by speaking, pointing, using an AAC device, or another way. You're there if they want help.
For a middle schooler, it might mean helping them decide what to say to a teacher rather than immediately sending the email yourself.
For an older teen, it could be making a phone call or figuring out what to do when plans change.
And please don't read those examples as things your child should be doing by a particular age. Every child is different, and what feels manageable for one may be overwhelming for another.
Even for the same child, something that feels doable on Tuesday might be way too much by Friday afternoon.
And if it doesn't go well? Okay, now you know. Maybe your child needs a little more help, maybe the timing was lousy, or maybe it's something to revisit in a few weeks. Nobody said you had to get it right the first time.
Sometimes the bigger challenge is ours
Sometimes I stepped in because Sophie genuinely needed me. Other times, I stepped in because I knew I could do something faster, or because watching her struggle was uncomfortable.
And sometimes I was just tired. Not every ordinary task needs to become a learning opportunity. Some evenings you just want to get dinner on the table!
The question I've learned to ask myself is: Am I stepping in because my child needs help, or because I'd rather avoid the difficulty of watching them try?
Sometimes the answer is both.
This is something I talk about with parents all the time. Knowing when to jump in and when to hang back isn't easy, especially when you've spent years anticipating what your child needs.
If you're trying to figure out what that looks like in your family, let's start with a conversation.
A little room to grow
Sometimes our kids surprise us. Other times, we discover that a challenge was too big, or the timing was all wrong. We can offer more help, break things into smaller pieces, or try again another day.
And success doesn't always mean finishing the task. It might mean making a choice, speaking up, recognizing a limit, or asking for help. Those count, too.
I still catch myself wanting to jump in and fix things for Sophie. After all these years, that instinct hasn't disappeared. And I suspect it never will.
But I'm learning to recognize when my help is needed and when I might be getting in the way.
So here's something to think about this week:
What's one thing you're doing for your child that they might be ready to try themselves, with a little support from you?
Start small. You might be surprised by what happens when you give them a little room.
And who knows? You might even get comfortable letting the dishwasher run whenever it needs to.
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