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Some truths will always remain.
The emotional weight of the past tense
It was just after Henry's funeral and we were gathered with family and close friends for a meal. A man approached to offer his condolences.
"So many people loved Henry," he said.
Loved.
The word hovered there, a dark cloud.
When had people begun speaking about Henry in the past tense?
It felt like an attack and a betrayal.
To be clear, I knew my son was dead. I had just buried him.
But the shift to past tense was too much. My son was no longer a physical presence, but he still existed in many other ways.
Why many grieving parents use the present tense
Many grieving parents continue to speak about their child in the present tense. I've seen it during support group meetings and grief retreats. A dad might say, "Jason is a great coach. He's a loving son. I miss him so much."
This makes perfect sense. Death doesn't cancel our relationship with our child. I am still Henry's mother. I still love him each and every day.
Lessons from literature
In "Speak of the Dead in Present Tense," Jeannette Cooperman reminds us that we often refer to historical and literary figures in the present tense. For example, Shakespeare explores human ambition in Macbeth.
If we can grant this living status to people who died hundreds of years ago, why can't we grant it to our children after they've died? Henry is still a central figure in my life; he impacts the way I live and the way I love.
What can we say that will always be true?
We don't have to let grammar dictate our bonds. Think about a loved one you've lost. What can you say about them that will always be true? Make a short list and try reading it aloud. What do you notice? I hope it brings you just a bit closer to them.
- Henry is affectionate, witty, quirky, and kind.
- He cares about voting rights and affordable housing and gun control.
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