August 9, 2023

Quote of the Week:

“Authenticity is a daily practice of letting go of

who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

– Brené Brown

When we were little, many of us spent countless hours playing make believe. For some, cowboys and Indians, others, spacemen, cops and robbers, Barbie, mommy dress-up. We went to elaborate means to create a character so unlike our everyday selves. Sometimes, we became our character. You might say that actors never outgrew it; what a fortune we could have made! It's called "make-believe", or as the good Dr. Google refers to it: "the action of pretending or imagining that things are better than they really are."

Now, as grown-ups we might catch ourselves pretending whenever we feel vulnerable, put-upon, or asked questions we don't wish to answer. Sometimes shame is the culprit, other times we simply decide that certain inquiries are best left unanswered. At any rate, we find ourselves needing to hide or avoid revelations causing discomfort or fear of judgement.

Recently, one of our caregivers shared, "Pretending you're ok is easier than having to explain to everyone why you're not." Were we raised to avoid "putting someone out" when they offered to help? To not bother people with our problems? Dread judgements if we tell it like it is? How about the fear of being obligated, or being "one down" if people "only knew"? We want to feel "normal" when we're feeling anything but. Too often we compare ourselves to the imagined perfection of others. The list is endless....so is the compulsion for pretense. Or is it!

What if we were to discover that everyone has areas in their lives that might, or should, require a little cover-up? We're told not to "compare our insides to others' outsides". We simply can't know another's issues or areas of shame calling for the choice of disguise.

That is not to say that the alternate choice is to bare all. We get to choose to whom we entrust our truth. We don't owe others our truth. Healthy boundaries are a must. The checker at Safeway doesn't need to know that you burnt dinner while spending the holiday cleaning up after your father when she asks, "how was your holiday?" "Fine", suffices. The nosy neighbor needs to know your business? A short, sweet smile is "news" enough.

1. Notice when the feeling comes up, usually a discomfort in the gut, that makes you feel the need to "cover up." There's usually some form of shame or embarrassment attached. Self-judgement and thoughts of being "lesser than". Let yourself observe without a knee jerk response. Take a deep, ok, several deep- breaths. Practice smiling without response.

2. Allow yourself to sit with it. Our general habit of needing to respond, to explain, often causes us to betray ourselves by scrambling with a quick response designed to appease discomfort, at our own expense.

3. Create something else. How many times have we had afterthoughts, "I wish I had said..." following an encounter. With the application of healthy boundaries, with the knowledge that at any given time, you are doing the best you can, you have the power to create something else. Somewhere between the unvarnished truth and pretending a false self, lies the middle ground. The checker is paid to be congenial, you can respond in kind: "Fine" is a complete sentence.

The key is to learn to observe your reactions. Write down your emotions, the pain and suffering encountered without self judgements. Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper can give some relief. The goal is to stop the hidden suffering, the result of perpetuating the cover-up responses explanations fostered in the first place.

Know that you always have a choice. Trust the emotions that signal self betrayal, and choose differently. Work to avoid hostility when engaging with persons whose inquiries feel invasive. Trust that simple responses that evade pretense while avoiding self betrayal can be practiced. Civility and good manners never call for the need to betray or defend yourself. "To thine own self be true." And so it is.

A word about "safe havens": The need for a place one can feel permission to be "real" and authentic, while being assured of complete confidentiality minus judgement, seems a very basic human right not often afforded in this "tell all" society. Unconditional regard. Caregiver support groups can, and do, provide such a place. 

DayBreak offers three weekly hour long groups for caregivers caring for a loved one in physical/cognitive decline. Each member is afforded the freedom and encouragement to express and ask for support. The experiencing of the many challenges of unchartered territory can comprise the day to day caring for a progressively dependent loved one, and can prove a very daunting journey.  

In the company of those with similar experiences and challenges, one can feel "gotten," with the feeling of being received minus the need to "fix" or be "fixed". 

It is a warm, empathic community. Respect and positive regard creates this much needed safe haven. One is free to say and express the often "unspeakable" desperation, safe in the knowledge that the importance of being free and authentic can help release one who might presently be feeling stuck.  

There is the opportunity, having released and expressed that which was holding one back, to move forward with a fresh perspective. A rich and deeply rewarding experience can be felt; to be understood without defense. Without unnecessary explanation. Unconditional regard. We all could use more of that!

–Karen Kelleher MA 

For more information please contact: 

Karen Kelleher, DayBreak Caregiver Support Coordinator

Karen@DayBreakAC.org

510-542-0912

Alzheimer's Association - Northern California Chapter: Offers support and resources for individuals with Alzheimer's and other dementias, as well as their caregivers.

Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA): FCA offers support, information, and resources for family caregivers, including educational programs and caregiver support groups.

Alameda County Community Food Bank: The food bank serves individuals and families in need of food assistance, including seniors who may require help accessing nutritious food.

Meals on Wheels: Provides home-delivered meals to homebound seniors, promoting health and well-being.

Your donation can be a transformative force in the lives of older adults and family caregivers. By contributing, you directly contribute to enhancing the well-being of

these individuals, enabling them to navigate the aging journey

with increased joy and improved health.

At DayBreak, we are dedicated to providing vital assistance to older adults and caregivers facing various challenges. If you are aware of a senior who could benefit from our care and coordination services, or if you know a caregiver in need of support, please encourage them to get in touch with us at:

510-834-8314