Weekly Newsletter:

April 30, 2025

Any caregiver will tell you that caring for a loved one in decline can be a heartbreaking task. The close relationship, the memories, the shared experiences, often covering decades of mutual support, filled with loving togetherness, now slowly grinding to a halt. Not all at once, not overnight, more like sand slipping through tightly clasped fingers. No matter what, the grains overcome the resistance. Eventually, the decline becomes the end game. They die, we survive.

And what of this loss? What people think we grieve is the person...and truly, we do; not the progressively emerging stranger who incrementally lost all cognizance and connection to self and other. We grieve the person of our connection, the partnership, the relationship filled to the brim with shared experiences, the "we" that bound us together.

Yet we actually grieve for them, as well:

"All the moments they're missing out on. The memories that can no longer be made, The love that can no longer be expressed to them. The empty chair at the dinner table. All the happy moments we want to tell them about.  All the sad moments we want to tell them about. The phone calls, the texts, no longer to be made. The conversations no longer shared. All the future plans we made." 

—  Anonymous 

Caregiver key points to consider:

• Caregiver grief is complicated.
• You may miss your role as a caregiver, even if you found it highly burdensome.
• It is normal to both feel great sadness and relief after your loved one passes away.
• Your relationship to your loved one can further complicate how you experience and process your grief.
• Being a caregiver, or someone who provides a lot of help and support to a loved one, is a complex and challenging role.

Due in large part to the complexity of emotions involved in being a caregiver, the type of grief caregivers experience when their loved one dies is also complex.

On the one hand, a caregiver's grief is immense as the caregiver was often quite close to the person they were supporting. On the other hand, removal of the stressful demands of this role can be a relief. That relief often brings with it feelings of guilt for feeling relief that your loved one is no longer alive.

Again, it is normal to feel relief after your loved one dies. The role of caregiving is demanding-often socially, financially, emotionally, and physically. In many cases, your role as a caregiver can occupy as many hours as a second full-time job. As a caregiver, you often see your professional and personal life suffer greatly as you struggle to provide as much care and support to your loved one as possible.  

As caregivers now facing a life alone; as "we" becomes "me," a new chapter unfolds. Each of us must enter this chapter by way of our own page, using our own bookmark. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, adjust, transcend, "lose it", or "find it." There is no determined "time" for us to "move on." How very dense and disrespectful to assume such a thing.

"Grief is not just a feeling, it is a profound transformation. It is a journey that reshapes us in ways we never expected. When we grieve, we are not just mourning a loss, we are also gradually becoming someone new. Grief carves out a deep space in our hearts, and over time, this space fills with compassion, understanding, and a deeper appreciation for life. It teaches us about the fragility of existence and the strength of the human spirit. Grief changes us, not because we move on from our loss, but because we learn to carry it with us, woven into the very fabric of our being."

— Soulful Journey  

One caregiver may determine that her grieving process occurred during the many months; years, of caregiving and when her loved one passed, she was ready to carve out a new life. For another, the profound loss of her "soulmate" has taken years to begin to adjust to the sorrow and loss she has encountered. For yet another, she finds herself with "good days" and "bad days," and is learning to honor the process with less evaluation as to "progress" vs "decline," stating that she is learning a valuable insight into radical self-acceptance. Within this self-acceptance, she finds herself honoring the "in between stage".. where she finds herself in a kind of limbo, "an awkward stage of molting...waiting for the protective feathers grow back in."

While another caregiver is clear that she misses her loved one before he became ill, that she does not miss the illness that wrenched him from her. She shares that she is waiting for a new identity to replace that of "wife"; what will it feel like to be "me" ...to be a "widow" now planning for a direction "in retirement?"

Each is charged with their own individual path. There is such inherent dignity in each experience. They serve as way-showers, a kind of "upperclassman" for those who come after. Many choose to stay in our Support Group, both to support others, as well as to continue and grow... in a community who knows and loves them. Members gladly support them as they move on in their lives. We are blessed whether they stay, or choose to move on, for we continue to carry them in our hearts.

— Karen Kelleher, MA

Family Caregiver Support Coordinator at DayBreak

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