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My Golden Calf
by Steve Garnaas-Holmes
O God, my golden calf is my self:
this “me” that I worship and defend,
the self that controls me,
that I serve above all other gods.
I am my own highest power.
I am obsessed with how I appear to myself,
to others, and especially to the God I imagine,
who is a projection of my self.
My religion is being good enough,
either smug that I am or despairing that I’m not,
always desperately trying to be.
I can’t crush the idol and be done with it.
Every day I face the idol of my self,
what it wants, how it thinks, how it moves me.
Only You can set me free.
O Love, set me free. Lead me out of Egypt.
I surrender my self and my captivity to it.
I turn my heart to You and your steady love.
I let your love set my course, guide me, move me.
I step out of myself and come to you
as your Beloved, helpless and adoring as an infant.
I am a beam of your love.
Apart from you I am nothing, but in you I am light.
Your love is my constant, my all, my life.
Your love is the very stuff of my self.
My self is not an image of me, but of you:
I am the image of your love,
fashioned by you,
alive in this world by your grace.
You alone are my God.
You Are.
You.
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