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Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood
Bruce Griffiths M.S.
Why choose Active Listening? In the 100's of competency validation surveys and competency card sorts we've done across years and organizations and industries, it is the single competency that surfaces in every Top Ten list. Active Listening is persistently perceived as essential for leaders, sales professionals, customer service representative, etc. And it usually wins the competition for the most needed competence when, just for fun, we sort competency cards for the most needed competency in personal relationships (like marriage)!
Another reason for highlighting Active Listening is its implicit inclusion in Stephen Covey's seminal book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Habit 5 is the use of empathetic listening for an authentic connection and true understanding of another. Covey's well-researched conclusion is that proactive listening is an essential ingredient to success. In dialogue, to truly connect and understand you must listen before you speak. This is an especially important habit for extroverts as they are prone to enjoy being the first to express opinions.
Active Listening is also implied in Joseph Lufts and Harry Ingham's famous lens for improving relationships, the JOHARI Window (Google JOHARI Window for a complete explanation). To build trust and truly connect with someone, both inquiry and self-disclosure are necessary to expand a trusting "arena" of communication. And sincere inquiry implies good listening skills. We all know people that tend to just "broadcast" and rarely "receive." But dialogue means an equal interest in both transfer of information and understanding.
Being a Better Active Listener
Being perceived as a good listener is not being able to pass a multiple-choice test on conversational content once a discussion is complete. As Albert Mehrabian ("Silent Messages") pointed out years ago, non-verbal cues are necessary to transmit your sincere interest, intent, and emotional inflection.
Given all that, here are some tips for being a better listener:
- Make eye contact, nod, and use facial expressions.
- Avoid interrupting.
- Create a space for listening, i.e., silence/put away phones, close your door, arrange conversational seating (round table).
- Summarize and ask open, probing (not "yes" or "no") questions and comments. Here are some examples:
- Please tell me more.
- What did you think about that?
- Can you give me an example?
- How did that make you feel?
Of course, as Malcom Gladwell noted in his book "Blink", we humans are incredibly good at detecting insincerity through non-verbal cues. You may ACT like you're listening, i.e., think you're doing the right things, but unless you are truly interested in what someone else is saying there's a chance you'll project insincerity.
So, the last word will be about your motivation to build strong relationships. Is that important to you? If the answer is "yes" then Active Listening is a needed skill set.
To learn more about OSI's industry leading competency library, Polaris®, please contact Crystal Matsuura at OSI at cmatsuura@orgsysint.com.
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