Conveying preciousness , a 9th path to Joy.

Parshas Lech Lecho

Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.

October 2026

This dvar Torah is the 9th in a series on "Paths to Joy, for your Shabbes table".

If I asked your spouse or your child how do they know whether you love them, what would they answer? 

This week, I met with a couple who spend a lot of time being critical of each other. And many of their criticisms are legitimate. But what also became clear is that they are attached to each other and have no interest in separating.

I said, “as a first step toward healing the relationship, could you spend an hour a week where you schmooze and only ENJOY each other? Can you convey what you appreciate in each other, and not let any criticism infiltrate into that hour?

Parshas Lech L’cho gives us a perspective on this issue.

Our parsha ( Gen. 12:1- 17:27) begins with Hashem's conveying to our Patriarch Avram how precious he is. The initial verse bestows multiple blessings on Avram (see Rashi). Further, in the different settings where Avram resides, he is blessed with plenty (12:16, 13:2, 13:6). Hashem promises that Avram will have a multitude of descendants (13:16, 15:5, 17:6). In addition, Hashem asserts that Avram will live out his life in peace (15:15).

Hashem culminates these multiple blessings with the creation of an everlasting Covenant with Avram's offspring; he gives a new name to Avram (Avram becomes Avraham) and to his wife (Sarai becomes Sarah); and Hashem grants the Land of Israel to the Jews "as an everlasting possession" (17:1-8).

Wow ! What a parsha !  The name of the parsha should be "Dayenu" (i.e., "enough , already.") How many times, in how many ways, does Hashem need to tell Avraham that he is beloved? How many times does the Torah need to tell us that Avraham is dear to Hashem?



To convey to someone in English that they are precious to us we call them "dear." "Dear" means "precious" both in an affectionate sense, as well as costly, in a financial sense. The word "dear" came to English via Anglo Saxon, originating in the Geman teuer, where it can also mean either beloved or expensive. In Russian, the word is “da-ra-GOY.”

We see the word in Yiddish as "teiyer" טייער . About the most endearing and tender expression that I know is to call a child "mein teiyerer, mein teiyer kint."  

Where do we, today, create a Covenant? Clearly, we do so in joining with a spouse and in creating a family. How often and in what ways do we convey to our family that they are "teiyer"?

My favorite writer on the topic of marriage, John Gottman, speaks of the family Emotional Bank Account. Gottman states that in successful marriages people create the opportunity to make regular emotional deposits to that account (pp.83-86). That is, they do things to convey to others in the family that the other person is "dear" to them.

This can be conveyed through an action ( Did I as a husband choose to do one of my wife's chores, without her asking?) ; as a gift ( "Honey, I found your favorite brand of English tea"); as an acknowledgement ( I really admire the way you...); as an affectionate touch, glance, letter or poem.

I think that one of the best things I ever said to my wife was, “I hope you realize what a brocho ( i.e., “blessing”) you are in my life.”



As a child, unfortunately, I frequently questioned my own worth, especially my worth in the eyes of my parents. But one childhood memory has moved me all of my life ; it has influenced my Shabbes conduct toward my children. On Friday night, before Kiddush, my father would place his hands on my head and say the priestly blessing.

Our parsha alludes to Avram's making a deposit in his joint marital account. Avram travelled to Beth-El, where he pitched his tent (12:8). Rashi explains that Avraham first set up Sarai's tent before arranging his own. In some versions of Rashi, this interpretation concludes with the words "a man should honor his wife more than himself."

Are we, as husbands, wives, and parents, attentive to our regularly conveying to our loved ones that they are beloved? Can you think of a recent time, when, in a small way, you touched their heart? Are you creative in finding fresh ways to convey your love?

Don't let your teiyer go flat. You get a better ride that way.



May we make sufficient deposits to the Supernal Emotional Bank Account that we take the Ultimate Affirmation of our Specialness with Moshiach Tzidkainu, immediately.

References:

Gottman, John M. The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999

Dr. Yisroel Susskind  is a clinical psychologist (Ph.D., Yale, 1969) who practices locally (in Suffern/Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage, and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (dr@susspsyc.com) or by phone 845-304-5481.

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