Respond Thoughtfully
by Andrea Orris
Talking to kids when they're not performing well can be hard. Being responsible for a child’s well-being can be confusing. How do I motivate my athletes? What if their feelings get hurt? Is that my fault? They only work hard when I raise my voice, so what do I do?
These are questions that coaches face today. Below are examples of communication that are both healthy and unhealthy to say in front of athletes. When you’re thoughtful, you can create connection and guide every child to feel calmer, more trusting, and make progress faster.
Scenario #1
The child is underperforming due to an apparent lack of effort. Moving slowly, falling more often than usual, sloppy technique. Overall disengaged body language.
Healthy, appropriate responses that connect & help:
"Is everything ok? I’ve only seen a few skills. Is something bothering you, are you hurt? Tell me what’s happening, I’m here to help you. Let’s work together.”
Unhealthy, Inappropriate Responses that Push and Intimidate:
“You’re not trying hard enough. You’re never going to improve. You’re not going to qualify for regionals.You’re embarrassing. Stay there until you do it perfectly, or go home."
Scenario #2
At a meet, the child warms up her bar routine really well! During the meet, she falls over on a cast handstand.
Healthy, Appropriate Response:
"It’s okay. I know you wanted to make it. Now we know what to focus on at practice. Let’s take a breath, get a drink, and focus on the next event. You’ll be fine, I believe in you.”
[Coach puts hand on gymnast’s shoulder and gives a warm smile.]
Unhealthy, Inappropriate Response:
"How could you fall on such an easy skill? What were you thinking? You did it perfectly in warm ups. When we get back to the gym, you have extra conditioning and 100 cast handstands. This is never going to happen again."
[Coach turns away from gymnast, walks away. Gives very little attention the rest of the meet.]
Scenario #3
You catch a kid red-handed cheating on conditioning. You assigned them 20 leg lifts. They did 14. You ask the kid how many they did. They say “20” and lie to your face.
Healthy, Appropriate Response:
[First, check yourself, notice you feel tense/frustrated that you see cheating and that the child lied. This is not about disrespect, it’s something deeper. Take a breath and don’t single out the one gymnast. Remind the group that you can adjust numbers if needed and that you are there to support them and cheer for them. Then speak to the one gymnast in a positive way.]
"If the conditioning is ever too hard for you to complete, that's okay. Let me know, I will help you. I can offer a spot, or I can alter your assignment. When we work together, you’ll gradually get stronger.”
Unhealthy, Inappropriate Response:
“I counted your leg lifts. You cheated, you only did 14. It's not that hard. Everyone else can do it. What's wrong with you? It's disrespectful to lie. Get away from me. You will never be good enough.”
Coaches work hard. Long hours, low pay, tons of criticism. It’s difficult to keep a clear perspective when you feel unappreciated or disrespected, or the athletes aren’t getting results. However, it’s vital that we never forget the big picture. Coaching is not for us. It is all for the gymnast. The child is an autonomous human being. With his/her own thoughts, emotions, interpretations of the world, and goals. Seek wisdom, communicate with your athletes and decide together what is helpful vs what is hurtful. Seek wisdom and do what’s best for the athlete's whole development. Not just their progress in gymnastics. Success will come easier with a thoughtful response as you work together.
