Susan Tschudi, LMFT

The ADHD-Affected Relationship: What Gets In The Way?

Studies show that relationship failure rate is twice as high for individuals with ADHD. The ADHD-affected relationship (one partner has it – the other doesn’t) can be very challenging due to common ADHD symptoms such as persistent distractibility, inattention, forgetfulness, physical and mental restlessness, along with impulsive behavior and/or speech. The non-ADHD partner in the ADHD-affected relationship is likely to experience more than usual amounts of frustration and annoyance because of the symptoms attached to ADHD. Over time the non-ADHD partner becomes increasingly discouraged and is usually the one who pulls the plug on the relationship. Although he or she may continue to express love for the ADHD partner, the dashed expectations and continued disappointment finally override the ability to stay in the relationship. “I love him/her, but I just can’t live with the ADHD behavior anymore. Nothing ever changes!” is the sad lament I often hear in my counseling practice. Even for those who choose to stay in relationship, a moment of reckoning comes with the realization that the partner’s ADHD, regardless of whether it is treated or untreated, is a 24-hour a day, lifespan disorder, and various accommodations will have to be made for the duration of the relationship. At that point, a sense of helplessness often sets in, along with an angry, defeated attitude. But rather than giving up or giving in, the non- ADHD partner can, with help, find a way to stay in the relationship with less distress by employing different ways of thinking and by practicing healthier responses. Let’s investigate what gets in the way of relational success, leading the non-ADHD partner to want to give up or give in, by examining several obstacles that commonly occur in the ADHD-affected relationship.

Obstacle One: Overhelping and Excessive Caretaking

Overhelping (doing too many things without consideration): A person with ADHD often seeks out a partner whose natural skills include organization and attention to detail. It may feel ‘normal’ for the non-ADHD partner to jump in and help out where there is a need. For example, if the ADHD partner has excessive difficulty getting up and out of the house in the morning, the non-ADHD partner may tend to take charge and have everything super-structured so the process is smoother and less chaotic. That may work in the moment, but the problem with ‘overhelping’ is it can create an unhealthy dependency. The non-ADHD partner may begin to anticipate future situations and step in prematurely, interfering with the opportunity for the partner with ADHD to practice important skills that are necessary for ADHD management. And surprisingly, the partner with ADHD may come to feel resentful for the help.

Excessive Caretaking (too absorbed, almost obsessively, in managing the ADHD partner’s life): As overhelping becomes the normal routine and the ADHD partner’s responsibilities continue to diminish, some emotional issues may begin to develop for the non-ADHD partner. This can include undue worry and anxiety about what your partner might do/not do or say/not say when you aren’t around; constant ‘checking in with’ or, worse, ‘checking up on’ because you feel responsible for your partner’s actions; a need to micromanage every aspect of daily life; and experiencing a sense of panic unless you feel in control. Over time, these dynamics are exhausting to maintain and will most likely lead to chronic anxiety.

Obstacle Two: Learned Helplessness

The non-ADHD partner, who is usually faster and more efficient at handling the various details of everyday life, tends to take on too many jobs and tasks that ordinarily should be the responsibility of the ADHD partner, who, over time, develops a conditioned belief, “I’m not capable of doing or accomplishing much of anything,” thus creating another dangerous level of unhealthy dependency.

What unfolds is an ugly tangle of emotions. The non-ADHD partner feels overburdened and loudly complains, “Why won’t you help out? Why don’t you do anything?” The ADHD partner is truly surprised and can’t figure out why the non-ADHD partner is so angry. Over the course of the relationship, the clear message has been that he/she can’t do tasks as well, or as fast, or as thoroughly as the non-ADHD partner, so why even try! Layers of resentment build for both partners.

Obstacle Three: The Parent Trap

Almost without exception, a toxic communication pattern develops in ADHD-affected relationships called The Parent Trap. Rooted in exasperation and annoyance, the non- ADHD partner consistently approaches the ADHD partner as a critical, punitive parent would a misbehaving child. The message often sounds like, “Why can’t you remember? I’ve told you a thousand times,” or “How could you do that again? Won’t you ever learn?” Defensiveness sets in and the ADHD partner will likely respond in a defiant, childlike manner with some form of a hands-on-hip stance and a, “You’re not the boss of me!” comeback.

For both partners, this communication pattern includes verbal cues – raised voices, emphatic intonation, and strong patterns of speech. But it especially involves ‘back- door’ messages which incorporate numerous non-verbal expressions – eye-rolls, grimaces, frowns, deep sighs. Body language also comes into play with arms crossed across the chest, hands on hips, pointed fingers, and foot-tapping. Unless it recognized and purposefully curbed, the parent/child pattern is likely to escalate, and all communication will drift in this direction.

Take a moment to think about interactions between ADHD and non-ADHD partners. Is there overhelping? Assumption of too much responsibility? Is a learned helplessness pattern being created? Is the couple doing The Parent Trap dance? If these are dynamics in the relationship the couple may be unknowingly participating in creating relational distress. With a better understanding of these obstacles, you can help them to alter the downward spiral by taking steps to change the ways the ADHD-affected couple interacts.

Susan Dillon Tschudi is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship expert. She is the author of "Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder; a chapter contributor in “The Distracted Couple: The Impact of ADHD on Adult Relationships,”; and author of numerous articles on the subject of AD/HD and relationships. As an experienced speaker, she has addressed local, national, and international groups and media outlets on the subject of ADHD and neurodiversity.