Holidays -The Elephant in the Room

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RECOMMENDATIONS

FOR THE HOLIDAYS

For the One Who Is Grieving

For the One Who Supports the Griever

Dealing with the Holidays

The holidays are supposed to be days filled with fun and love as we gather with family and friends. If you are grieving, the holidays can be tough. Death has removed a significant person from life, whether it was a child, spouse, sibling, parent, grandparent, grandchild, partner, friend, colleague or someone else.

In the middle of the traditions of food, family, and friends—and all the activities associated with holidays—you have that feeling of an empty space where your loved one would have been, a reminder of what your loved one would have been doing, and the realization of how different things are now.

"The holidays typically provide

multiple natural opportunities for

'real' moments of meaning ... "

As we move into these upcoming holidays, together we can create moments of meaning and "continuing bonds" with those we have lost, whether we are the person who is grieving or the person who wants to know how to provide loving support. That is why we have put together this list of suggestions for everyone.

UPCOMING HOLIDAY SUGGESTIONS

For the Griever

Take care of yourself physically. Because the holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first or second experience with a holiday since the death of your loved one, respect your mind and your body. Failing to take care of yourself physically will only add to your fatigue and frustration.

A new take on shopping. If you have to shop, and it either seems like a daunting task or you don't want to be anywhere near stores, shop online or send a gift card. You may also ship items to a loved one if you are not spending the holidays together. If you simply cannot shop at all, that's okay. Let others know that you will not be exchanging gifts this year. Another possibility is to have your family members make an agreement that no one will exchange gifts this year. Make these special days about something other than exchanging gifts.

Your role. Think back to how you celebrated the holidays. What was your role in the celebration? How might that be different now that your loved one has died or that you aren't able to be together? Begin to consider how you might want to handle your traditional ways of celebrating this day following his or her death.

Children. No matter the age, children are grieving too, and the holidays are also difficult for them. Listen to what is important to them, and then see if you can incorporate their hopes or wishes into the holidays without completely giving up what you need. You can also break the day up into smaller segments of various types of events, such as opening presents at home as a family, a visit to the cemetery as a family, dinner with relatives, and then home early where you share memories of your loved one, work on a puzzle, or watch a movie.

Perspective. Death puts things into perspective. Since the death of your loved one, many of the routine things that you used to care about may now mean almost nothing at all. Some of the festivities and all of the hubbub might, for now, seem utterly ridiculous. Reassure yourself that eventually you can come to a new and deeper understanding of each special day and how you will handle it.

Connect. Find a way to see and hear your other friends and families. There are many platforms out there today, such as Zoom and Facetime. Research shows that people who are grieving are more in need of some form of connection during the holidays.

Plan ahead of time. Talk with others about the reality that your loved one has died and that therefore your life (and your celebrations) will feel and be different. Make a plan regarding how you will get through the day and with whom you will spend it. Try to spend time with other “like” hearts and people who are compassionate and understanding of your needs. There is a decided advantage in thinking ahead about what you want the day to include and with whom you want to spend it. If you haven't told others what you would like for the holidays, then do so. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.

Invitations. If you accept a holiday invitation to someone’s home, give yourself some leeway. Be up front with them when you accept the invitation, letting them know that you will try to participate, but that you may well excuse yourself at some point. We suggest that you not host an event until you are truly ready to do so. As a guest, you can leave when you want or even cancel at the last minute. As a backup plan, you might also wish to consider making alternative plans that may feel more comfortable.

Expectations. Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself. You do not have to celebrate the holidays in exactly the same way you did before. Plan your day, keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one’s death (in a manageable dose) if you think you can do so this year. For some, celebrating the holiday according to family tradition may be a comforting coping strategy. If it is not, allow yourself to take a break.

Talk about them. Talk about your loved one. Tell a favorite story, give a toast, write a poem, play their favorite song, or make a favorite food. Such an act will help you express the importance of them, and then perhaps you and other family members will be able to appreciate the holidays with an even deeper and more meaningful significance.

Write a letter to your loved one, recalling several memories you have of the holidays in which this person played an important part. In that letter, write:

When I think of this holiday without you, I feel …
The thing I miss most on this holiday without you is …
Or just let them know what is going on in your life.

Photos. Get out photos and sit together as a family remembering and sharing.

Memorabilia. Go through cards, letters, pictures and other personal memorabilia associated with your relationship with your loved one. Re-live the occasions as you review the mementos. Again, this should only be done when you feel ready.

Share memories by asking your friends and family to write down their favorite memory of your loved one and share them via email or while you are together. Then you can collect them in a keepsake book.

Bring a memento with you wherever you go, whether it is a photo of your loved one, a piece of jewelry, or something else that reminds you of them. Let others know ahead of time that you will be bringing something. This will help you honor them throughout the day and incorporate their presence into the family events.

Reach out by doing something for someone else, such as baking cookies and leaving them on a front door step. Research shows that doing something for someone else will also help you.

Photo display. If you are visiting someone else’s home, ask that person to display a photo or some other memorabilia of your loved one so they are included in the holiday.

Grief group or therapy. If you are in a grief group, discuss your concerns and possibilities in group. Don’t hesitate to meet with a grief professional to assist you in deciding what to do. Trained grief professionals can help you articulate your feelings, fears, hopes, losses, and concerns. When those are expressed, you will be better able to figure out what you can and can’t handle.

Rethink the holidays. If you find yourself dreading spending time with people who won’t talk about your loved one, who carry on as if everything is the same, who ignore your requests for simple things, such as to say their name, and who seem to avoid and ignore the fact that this day is one that is difficult and requires some greater sensitivity and understanding, then you might need to rethink how you will spend this holiday season. Maybe it’s time to take a break and do something different. If you haven’t told others what you would like for the holidays, then do. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.

New normal. Your holidays were once wrapped in love and family closeness as you celebrated together. With the death of a family member, others may try to “cling” to old family traditions, even though this may cause you much pain. Others need to try to accept that nothing will ever be the old “normal." If everyone can join together, then you can create new family traditions without leaving anyone out.

No have-to's. Remind yourself throughout the holidays that there are no “have-to's.” Your heart has been broken, your life has forever been changed, and you are simply attempting to find what will and what won’t work for you as you rebuild your life without your loved one.

Be kind to yourself. Be gentle and tender with yourself. Seek out the softest place to land so that you are in a position to honor your loved one, while also creating new traditions. One day you will most likely look forward to holidays filled with the true meaning of the holiday spirit.

Share this article. Show your family and friends this article so they will have a greater understanding of how the holidays can be made easier for everyone.

For the Supporter

What Can You Say?

What Can You Do?

"People who are grieving need you,

and not just the first or second year."

Losing a loved one is one of life's greatest stressors. The grief that follows is often a life challenging experience that can take years before the person finds that new normal. Grief comes in waves and often blindsides the griever. Research shows that the right kind of loving support can make all the difference to those who are grieving.

That's where you come in.

Grief can have an impact on a person's overall well-being. A 2014 study from the University of St. George's London found when studying the impact of grief on people's health that the chances of a heart attack or stroke doubles after a partner's death, especially in the crucial 30-day aftermath. In general, they discovered that grief leads to extra physical stress, causing individuals to lose interest in life. Many other studies show that loneliness and isolation also have a negative impact on a grieving person's well-being. Interestingly, a person can feel alone even if in a room with 20 other people, especially if everyone is acting like nothing has changed. Being with people they love and who are compassionate and thoughtful about their loss makes an enormous difference, especially on days like these upcoming holidays.

People who are grieving need you, and not just the first or second year, but for however many years it takes until they find their new equilibrium. Here are some things you can do to let them know they are loved and that their loved one is not forgotten.

Ask the person ahead of time if there is something they would like, such as a photo of their loved one out during the day, mentioning them in conversation, a ritual you could all share together, like lighting a candle, etc. Do this every year as long as the person in grief wishes it to continue.

Let guests know ahead of time about the griever's loss, if the person would like you to do so. If yes, then also ask the griever if (a) they are open to talking about their loss; or (b) they would prefer not to be asked anything about it.

Give them your blessing if they decide not to attend any gatherings you might have. Don't worry, eventually they will be able to be with you again. In other words, no expectations on the griever for now.

If you are open to it, think about going somewhere else to celebrate the holidays, such as a restaurant or even out of town. Many families do this, and it works well because you are creating a new and different approach that the lost loved one was never a part of before.

Avoid going silent when they bring up the name of their loved one or tell a story about them. Join right in to the conversation no differently than you would have if the person were still alive.

Remember that death ends a life, but never a relationship. The person will always carry their loved one with them wherever they go and will always want to keep his or her memory alive and talk about him or her. Help create a space where it becomes the norm to do so.

Make it okay for the person and yourself to cry. It's healthy and normal to cry, especially when surrounded by others whose families are intact and their loved one is glaringly missing. If you create a safe space for them, you will have given them a true gift.

Say things like, "I'm so glad you are here with us" or "If there's anything I can do to make the day easier for you, just let me know" or "I miss her too." Avoid saying things like, "It's okay, don't cry" or "He wouldn't want you to be sad" or "Let's not talk about that." Definitely do not try and change the subject if someone has a cry during the day, hoping that to skirt the issue might make it all go away. You will only make the person feel worse and that they should avoid being with family in the future because it's too hard for everyone. Right now, it's your love and compassion they need. It's a long journey they are on.

Show the griever that you love them and are okay with however they might act or express their sadness. Over time, the person will once again begin to feel joy and express happiness when you gather together.

Don't be surprised if the person needs to leave periodically throughout the day or actually needs to leave for the rest of the day. Make it okay. It's not personal.

Think of something special you can do for the person's loved one in memory of him or her. For instance, lighting a candle in their memory or putting out a framed photo.

Include the loved one who died. Not talking about a person's loved one is one of the worst things to those who are grieving. They feel as if the person is being forgotten. Including that person's life as part of the holidays will make the grieving person feel loved, understood, and safe.

The First Holiday Without Dad

"How can I talk with my four children

about the 'elephant in the room'

created by their father's death

when we get together for this

first holiday with family?"

Dear Dr. Neimeyer

My husband, Don, died. His death has been hard for us as a family, as he lived only about six months after getting his diagnosis. We are now facing the first Christmas without him. He was always the “social magnet” for every occasion with family and friends, the one who would take them fishing, cook the meals, and tell the stories. So it is hard to imagine going through the season without him. So what should I do when we are together for a week? If I ask them how they

are doing, they’ll just say, “Fine.” But it really feels like we are just walking on eggshells. We can get through the gift exchanges and dinners, but I know we really need to connect more if we still are going to be a family. Mary

Dear Mary,

I can imagine that this will be a very different holiday for you, in another state both geographically and emotionally in the wake of Don's illness and death. And your story makes clear that your grief, like most people’s, is something that happens both within you as individuals and between you as members of a family trying to reorganize without his big presence in your family get togethers. And so, in the uncomfortable silence that can arise in the presence of his family and your own, you are now thrust into the role of being the conversation manager, a role that might have naturally fallen to Don.

So how can you make opportunities for meaningful encounters, especially with your children, rather than practice a kind of vigilant mutual avoidance of the most important and obvious topic of the season, namely your shared loss? Fortunately, the holidays typically provide multiple natural opportunities for “real” moments of meaning, even if these are brief and punctuated by attention to the many activities and topics that will also naturally occupy your attention during this period. Here are a few ideas.

1. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Might you select a small gift, perhaps something of Don’s, to give to each child on his behalf? No doubt you can think of many things that could symbolize some kind of bond with each of the kids: maybe a special fishing lure, book, article of clothing, or memento of a family trip. Such things can provide both a cherished “linking object” that honors their unique bond with their father, and also serve as “conversation starters” about shared memories of a heartwarming or humorous type. The fact that this gift exchange will occur in the presence of his extended family–who might also be recipients of such gifts–can increase this effect, as each invites an explanation to those less familiar with its meaning, or who might have shared relevant times with him fishing, enjoying meals, and more, who could have their own stories to tell. Whatever their commercial value, the gifts labeled with a tag “From Dad” or “From Don” are likely to be treasured for both of these reasons for years to come.

2. Make room for him on the tree. Consider contributing an ornament to the Christmas tree that invokes Don’s presence: perhaps it is a little wooden fishing boat, or an ornament he himself bought on a family outing. You can be sure that its simple presence on the tree will invite his presence in the room and in the thoughts of those who walk by, conveying the feeling that he is indeed with you during this season in your hearts and minds.

3. Invite Don to the table. Given that Don apparently cooked for special occasions, and likely had favorite foods, might you individually or you as a family cook a favorite dish of his to share? Almost certainly such dishes, like the gifts, will both honor him and prompt shared memories. And if you really want to invoke his presence, set an extra place at the table for him. The empty chair could be a strong ritual statement of both his presence and absence--perhaps too strong for some families, but just right for others. Keeping in mind the principle behind the practice, you’ll be able to find the symbolic statement that fits just right for your family.

In sum, the holidays naturally afford opportunities for remembrance and renewal, though these need not pervade every context and conversation as you find new ways to move forward together as a family. Experimenting with a few ideas like those above will let you find creative ways to beckon Don into the gatherings as an invited rather than intrusive presence. And as voices and stories begin to fill the silence, you will have lit a symbolic candle in a time that otherwise might be dark.

About Dr. Robert Neimeyer

Robert A. Neimeyer, Ph.D., is Professor in the Department of Psychology, University of Memphis, where he also maintains an active clinical practice. Dr. Neimeyer also serves as Director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, which offers training and certification in grief therapy. He has published 30 books and authored nearly 500 articles to advance a more adequate theory of grieving as a meaning-making process.

From Inside

"Healing After Loss"

By Martha W. Hickman

Page: December 24

Again at Christmas did we weave

The holly round the Christmas hearth;

The silent snow possess'd the earth;

And calmly fell our Christmas-eve.

The yule-log sparkled keen with frost,

No wing of wind the region swept,

But over all things brooding slept

The quiet sense of something lost.

--Alfred Tennyson

Holidays are among the hardest times for those who have lost a loved one. They are so fraught with family ritual, the layered memories of years.

Sometimes we feel free to talk about it—indeed, there's no way not to talk about it if the grief is fresh.

But after some time has passed, when the grief is in the background but not really yet assimilated into our lives, it may be even harder—the dull ache of absence, and everyone trying to be cheerful.

One year—the first year we tried to go back to our usual Christmas patterns—the unspoken gloom hovered behind our attempts at joy and repartee. Suddenly, almost as though by unspoken direction, we gathered in a circle, our arms around one another, and acknowledged our grief. Then we could get on with Christmas.

In this season I will find hope, and grief as well.