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Caregiver Corner - Enjoying Dementia
When was the last time you enjoyed the company of the person you care for? If you’re caring for someone with dementia, you may be hard pressed to come up with an answer. Sadly, caring for someone with dementia can be a long, sad journey in which you watch, helplessly as the person you love disappears before you. Each month there is less to recognize about the person who once was. Often, caregivers try desperately to hang onto the person who used to be, cuing them to recall past pleasurable memories. But more often than not, they don’t remember. They become agitated trying to remember. They recognize from your prompting that there’s something they should recall and they feel frustrated and powerless when they can’t recall and that doesn’t lead to an enjoyable moment.
You can still enjoy the company of someone with dementia, if you will allow yourself to accept the fact that things have changed. Your loved one can’t recall, on command, some event from the past, but they can still enjoy something in the here and now. Dementia forces you to live in the present. Much of the past is gone from memory and there is no capacity to envision the future. Life must happen in the moment.
The key to enjoying your loved one in the moment is to limit discussion to what is happening right now. The pleasure many of us derive from planning for a trip or an upcoming holiday isn’t enjoyable for a person with memory impairment. Instead of planning for an upcoming holiday feast, go into the kitchen with your Mom and cook something together that she likes. Serve it on a fancy dish and create a new holiday. It won’t be celebrated next year because she won’t remember it by then, but today she’ll enjoy being with you and cooking and not trying to remember something that is gone from her life.
It won’t make celebrating Thanksgiving, when she doesn’t understand why there’s a turkey on the table, any less sad, but it will provide you with new pleasant memories about the day the two of you were in the kitchen cooking a special treat for a new holiday you invented for her.
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