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The series, Ted Lasso, is just as delightful as you've heard!
Practicing love towards someone when you’d rather roll your eyes or punch him in the face?! Whoever dreamed up such an absurdity? Whoever thought that this could be a healthy thing to do? Certainly not me! My premise in life has always been…don’t be fake about anything in any way…be authentic and real
at all times. After all,
Life is too short for fake butter,
cheese or people.
and, apropos of nothing, I had to include this one:
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
"Alright, get in the basket."
Back to the point: if you no longer love someone (especially a romantic partner) I DO think honesty is the best policy. If you have a friend who hurts you terribly, I also think honestly letting that person know is the preferred way to go. If you have a co-worker who constantly undermines you, now is not the time to be all sweetness and light. And if you have a relative who constantly negates or criticizes you, in my mind it would be hypocritical to respond without speaking up about it.
All to say, love doesn’t mean being a doormat. Love doesn’t mean we have to say “yes” when we really need to say “no.” Love doesn’t mean we can’t establish a healthy boundary. And love doesn’t mean we can’t walk away from a situation when that’s
the appropriate response.
There are many times when we have to stay true to ourselves. Love directed towards yourself is as important as expressing love to others. For example, if you consider staying with someone when you are truly incompatible, that is not expressing love – either to yourself or to the other person.
The truth is that there always can be a loving way that we can express even the most difficult and harsh message. But it takes time, practice, willingness and plenty of diplomatic skills.
I just read this idea in a book by one of my favorite spiritual writers, Gina Lake, who wrote:
“If you behave lovingly, others respond lovingly, regardless of whether or not you actually feel loving. This could be thought of as practicing good behavior, which is always a good policy in society and why it’s stressed so much.
Whether good behavior comes from actual goodness or not is not as important as the behavior itself. Naturally, it’s even better if the behavior flows from love and goodwill. But if it doesn’t, it’s still preferable to bad or indifferent behavior, which reaps bad or indifferent responses from others. Loving is learned, mostly
as a result of being loved.”
I have started watching the fourth season of the heartwarming series Ted Lasso. If you haven’t seen the first to third seasons, you MUST! It’s a show viewers love (including me and just about everyone I know!)...packed with positive, uplifting themes. The main character, Ted, is an upbeat, optimistic American who’s been hired to coach a losing soccer (football) team in the UK. He has a great knack at drawing out respect and love from all of the temperamental, testy athletes he works with. While he is certainly intent upon winning games, his main focus is on bringing the best out of the athletes or anyone else who
passes his inimitable path.
Full of corny sayings, folksy humor and a midwestern twang, Ted doesn’t wait for other people to deserve his kindness. He behaves according to the person he wants to be, and eventually that behavior changes him and those around him. The interesting thing is that Ted himself isn’t always feeling what he’s projecting. His relentless optimism sometimes masks grief, loneliness, anger and anxiety. Eventually Ted has to acknowledge his pain and get help. So, the lesson isn’t to pretend to feel
love when you don’t. It’s:
Choose to behave lovingly even when you don’t feel particularly loving.
Sometimes love starts as nothing more than deciding not to be a jerk, when being a jerk would feel considerably more satisfying. Ted’s philosophy is “Be curious; not judgmental” which is a great saying to train ourselves to switch our thinking from This person is awful to being curious as to Why might this person
be behaving this way?
The sequence goes something like this:
You don't like someone.
You choose not to judge them.
You become curious about them.
You behave kindly towards them.
You begin to understand them.
Compassion kicks in.
Suddenly you're not faking nearly as much anymore.
Acting with love, kindness or compassion BEFORE you necessarily feel it has been addressed by a multitude of spiritual
leaders and thinkers.
From C.S. Lewis:
“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’
your neighbor; act as if you did.”
Words of Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Love is the only force capable of transforming
an enemy into a friend.”
And from Thich Nhat Hanh:
“Understanding is love’s other name.”
“Fake it ‘til you make it” with love is especially useful with those people who drive us right up a wall. Could be friends, family, work colleagues or complete strangers. Included in this group would be those who annoy us, disappoint us or plain, flat out aren’t likeable.
You can choose patience instead of irritation, kindness instead of a cutting remark, or simply refrain from adding more negativity to the situation or one more snarky comment to the dialog. You smile, you behave kindly, you silently bless the person or pray for them. And at some point, you may discover that you aren’t really faking it as much as you thought!
On the other hand, let’s not go too far or get carried away here. Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean approving of them, condoning their behavior, trusting them, agreeing with them or allowing them to mistreat you. Sometimes the most loving response is to set a firm boundary – or to make a loving goodbye.
It may seem like a daunting task to extend your love to an ever widening circle, but believe me, it’s sure to be worth it. The truth is, loving can begin with gritted teeth.
I think I can do that.
How about you?
SPECIAL NOTE:
If you haven't read it yet, here's how
to obtain my book:
CLICK TO PURCHASE "A SPIRITUAL TOOL KIT"
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